I’m not talking about the usual… budgets, responsibilities, ect. I’m referring to something even harder.
I have had to get disgusting animals out of my house… ALL BY MYSELF!!!!!
Everyone has their fears. Mine happen to be frogs and lizards. For all the Northern people, you’re probably thinking that lizards are only in the zoo 😂
Welcome to Florida… home of sun, fun, and lizards fucking everywhere!!!
So, a few days ago I had a baby curly tail in my house. They are not like the normal baby tiny lizard… they are full grown at birth (like a giraffe… they come out running). Anyways, I freak silently. Silently because there is no way this repitle is getting in the way of a good nap! I frantically scour the room for something to trap it with…
Hello last nights water… I grab it and chug the stale, warm water.
Now I need some sort of poker. One that would be suitable for a lion, as I’m not trying to touch this slinking creature. I reach for my scale (yes, stupid but it was the closest thing, and I’m deperate)… The lizard squirms quickly under my jewlery chest.
Well, we might as well burn the house down. I mean seriously, I’m never going to get this full-grown baby nastiness out of my house.
I muster up every bit of courage I have and move the chest.
Where did it go?
I see a piece of cardboard that had fallen between the wall and the chest. A perfect poker/scooper. I grab it, and out wiggles the creepy crawly… OH fuck
AND I DIVE FOR IT
Ok, not literally. I literally held my breath and got the cup on top of him.
Oh thank god!!
I could literally drop to my knees to pray.
Godzilla has been captured in a cup!!! Now, I just need to slide the cardboard under EVER SO GENTLY… I dont want any “cut off” wiggly tails in my house…
I pick it up my contraption, and fling it outside.
All in the kingdom is safe again!!!
FAST FORWARD (two days)
This morning… tiny human is in her high chair munching on raisin bread, and I spot a blob of sorts in the corner.
Being that my contacts are not in, and obviously glasses have not found their way to my nose… I squint hard to see what it is. What if it’s an animal? I make no sudden movement, as I’m cautious not to startle the creature. I put all the lights on in the kitchen and return to squint at it again…
Could this be a raisin? No, I haven’t fed her raisins in a few days and the germaphobe inside me vacucums the kitchen like it’s going out of style.
What the fuck is it?
It hits me like a ton of bricks!!!! A BABY FROG?!?!?! How did this tiny jumping monster get in?
Oh fuck me…. seriously? I just did the lizard thing a few days ago. How could this be happening? And it’s so close to my tiny human.
What if it gets her??? What do I do then??
With the “hot dog” song playing in the background, I move to grab a plastic cup.
Still the frog/raisin has not moved.
I slowly creep toward it, and unleash the fury of my plastic cage upon the tiny hopping creature.
CAUGHT IT! I either caught a raisin or a frog. If it’s a raisin, I’m going to be so embarressed by my blindness.
Again, I slide a thin piece of cardboard under the cup.
Once breakfast is over, I ask tiny human if she wants to see a frog jump. She gets excited and I’m guessing that means yes.
I get my contraption, carefully bring it outside, and set it on the floor.
THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
I lift the cup and the littlest frog takes the biggest leap.
My tiny human shreaks with delight. I take the cardboard, and poke it again to hop.
She chants “more more more” as the ity bity frog hops into the mulch.
I know it has happened. I’m offically an adult. I did not run and scream when confronted with these baby monsters. I quietly handled the situation like an adult.
I’ve grown up. My mother would be proud.