Going out to eat…

(as a mom)

Let’s be honest…

It blows!  Unless, you’ve left all your children at home with someone else to watch… Going out to eat is such a waste.

Why people WANT to go out to eat?

1. They want to be served

I can’t get served when I have a tiny human clawing at me like the jaws of life.

Going out to dinner is fun for everyone else.  They get to coo and play with the baby. Then food comes… and now she now belongs to me.

I just want to eat my food using both fucking hands.  One hand to hold the fork and one hand for the knife.

Is this a lot to expect?

Will I forever be cocking my head to the side to shove a random bite into my gaping wide mouth?  I look like an idiot that doesn’t know how to eat properly.  I always pray no one watches me “attempt” to eat and hold the baby.

I suppose eventually the little heathens feed themselves and sit alone.  I will have to learn how to eat like a grownup whilst teaching her.

For now, I suffer in silence and pretend it is an enjoyable experience.


We need alcohol at the table.

Party like a parent

You guessed it.  Obviously, this is obviously a post about sleep.





Don’t get too excited.  Sleep is not the party.

Ok, I admit…  I can be a bit much.  In the past couple of weeks I have partied like a rockstar… Like a rockstar that came close to demise (both times).  I have done some things that I’m not proud enough to disclose just yet… Stay tuned for future rants.

Anyways, it happened Friday.  I went out with my sisters… Yes, plural.  You think I’m nuts?  You should meet them.  Together we are like a mixed fruit cup.  The juice in this case is alcohol.

So, we know I was obviously hungover Saturday.  I had to fulfill morning obligations, and then I came home to care for my nugget while daddy got to go out to a football game.

I know you’re thinking “get to the fuckin’ point”

Where is the sleep I so desperately need?

I will get there… Eventually

I was dead by 10pm Saturday night.  In bed with Law & Order playing (just so I would have a soft glow across my worn out face), and let’s face it.. I love that show!

Husband came home, and tried with all his might to wake me from my slumber… He couldn’t believe I was so tired.  Normally, I’m tired.  This night…

Hangover + obligations + baby = coma sleep


I’m getting to the point, I promise.

Saturday night, he got “turnt” as the kids call it, and  I fed him the remedy to cure hangovers.  This morning he washed cars, and played with the baby….

Tonight… 8:15pmsnoring from the big couch.

I tell husband to get up and go to bed, and ask if he now understands why I was so tired the night after I partied like a parent?

he says “I guess, but I washed the cars and played on the playground with the baby”


I just can’t.

Admit that we are the same.  Old people that can’t hang… Old people that need days for alcohol recovery.  WHY?

Because we are parents.  We so rarely get the occasion to cut loose, and pretend there isn’t a needy human at home.  “Partying like a parent” is the new “partying like it’s 1999”

RIP Prince

Tonight, I’m know I’m fucked.  I can hear him snoring from the bedroom… down the hall… Over the baby’s sound machine.

Like I said before..

Sleep I never liked you anyway (tear)



Why the book?

So, we went to HomeGoods (after a boycott of 1 1/2 years.. long story about me being electrocuted)


I was in need of rugs.  My mom swore to me that HomeGoods had a million, because she was there yesterday.  There is a certain rug that I prefer, and it is only found at HomeGoods/TJ maxx/Marshalls.  I’m sure you understand my issue because they don’t always have the set you need in color/sizes.

While heading to the rug section, we pass through the children’s section.  Months ago… when she was younger, we could walk through and she didn’t blink at the bright, shiny toys.  NOT ANYMORE!

The children’s section is like a kid magnet.

I indulge her a bit, and because of her book obsession..  that is the item we will bring home.  You would think husband and I would be happy that she loves books.  The problem is that neither of us like to read…. Tragic.

I allow her to choose the book/I choose it for her.

We are cutting it close to nap, and as any mother knows that is the holy grail of the day.

So we get rugs and books, and I load her into the car.

Conscious of nap time, I decide to give her a book.  I’ve done this before, and it has always worked out.  She started cheering “book book book book book”, and I became instantly confident in my cleverness.

Off we go, and I’m praying for her to wait until home for the nap.

The NAP… The NaP… tHe nAP… the nap… 

I swing into the driveway, and jump out hoping she is awake.

There she is… Awake… And eating the fucking book.


The inner germophobe realizes the germs associated with that…

She has little particles of ink, dyed paper around her entire mouth.  She went ham on this book for sure!!

What was in the dye?  Is it toxic?  UHHHHH my mom would smack me, and say that I ate books too… it’s no big deal… I survived.

I can’t help it that toddlers gross me out.  Why would you eat a book?  Sometimes you reject my delicious food… I don’t get it.  Gross.



I am cHeAp.. well, kinda.

Ok, I admit it… I love bags and shoes… and baby clothes and shoes… and all the luxuries this society has; however, I am cheap about the stupidest stuff.

Why do I need to pay $3+ for cleaning products that I go through like water?

Water you say?


The majority of the cleaning product is H2O… who would’ve thought?

That shit is free!!

So here you go, I cut out some of the work by giving you my 4 favorite cleaners!!!    What do you need for these cheap magic cleansers?!?!

-Isopropl Alcohol
-White vinegar
-Hydrogen peroxide
-Castile soap
-Dishwasher rinse aid

Thats it.

To be honest, I didn’t go buy the spray bottles to make these… I used up what I had and repurposed that shit.   This way no one (the husband) asks me what is what.

I could see husband using that as a reason not to clean something “I can’t tell what is what in all those weird containers you have…”

This is no joke.  I wanted them in a convient place I could find easily too… Enjoy, and go clean your house… that shit is dirty.

Granite Cleaner

1/4 cup of isopropl alcohol
1 TBL spoons of Castile soap 
(not the lemon)
*Fill the rest of the bottle 
with water (2-3 cups)

Glass Cleaner

1/4 cup isopropl alcohol 
1/4 cup whited vinegar 
1 TBL Spoon cornstarch 
*Fill the rest of the bottle 
with water (2-3 cups)

After Shower Cleaner

1/2 cup of hydrogen peroxide
1/2 cup of isopropyl alcohol
1 tsp Castile soap
1 TBL dishwater rise aid
*Fill the rest with water 
After your shower, rinse surfaces 
with hot water, and spray lavishly.

Floor Cleaner

1-2 tsp Castile soap
*Fill the rest of the 
bucket up with water

Today I wanted to do nothing…

I think this happens to everyone.  That magical day when you lay around and do nothing.  No cleaning. No cooking.


Before my tiny human, I would get this “nothing” day every couple months or so… I haven’t had a nothing day in at least 1yr 2 months and 13 days.

Today is the day!

After, breakfast… Mommy & me… Swimming.. Lunch… I’m going to do NOTHING!

Of course “nothing happens like I plan.

The dishwasher needs to be emptied, clothes need to be washed, and I have to figure out dinner, because I escape from my house for 2hrs this evening.

Yes, escape…

It sounds terrible, because I am thankful to stay home with the little dictator.  But let’s face it… A person can only hear “mama mama mama mama mama” so many times a day for continuous days without  going mad.

I now know why my mother was so nuts when I was young.  She had three of us.  I think my sanity is going after 1.

So, fuck it.  I don’t feel bad.  I’m going to do something today, and then escape.  If all is right with the world, the little nugget will be in bed when I get home.

Maybe tomorrow can be my nothing day.  Probably not, but I never lose the faith!

Well, well, well… It happened

Seems ironic that my last post was about feces and today…

It happened.

She shit in the tub. 

Of course, today is the day I need to clean my whole house.  It seems appropriate that I sterilize all her bath toys as well.  Like I didn’t have enough to do, and my little darling decided she did not need her first nap.

We” are about to have the first nap; however, that does not mean I will be laying my happy ass down too.  I will run around like a lunatic trying to clean and prep dinner in whatever amount of time the tiny dictator allows.

I knew this was bound to happen… But why did it have to be today?

I must go scoop baby dissolved shit from the tub 🙊

Happy Monday

I always smell poop

If you have a child in diapers, odds are you’re always smelling for poo.

Never in my life did I imagine how focused I would be on the poo poo.

Did she poop? How big? How many times?

It’s tragic.

Now, she’s a little over 1, and I swear I always smell shit.

Does this go away?  Will my nose return to normal?  Will I forget to think about the tiny humans bowel movements?

I freaking hope so!

I know husband finds me insane for how often “I swear I smelt something”.  I’m just praying for the day I can go back to how things were… When I never discussed any sort of disgusting poo.  The days I never thought of singing poopy songs, or celebrating potty time.

It’s unpleasant to be so consumed with bodily functions, but now I must go…

Doody calls